After being at camp an entire 8 hours, I realized that I need to find an outlet for my fears and frustrations for the summer. I'm so scared things are going to go sour. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my comfortable life.
Camp has taken me like a child with a snowglobe. Everything I had settled into is back up in the air. When I'm here, I have to think about things I could ignore at school. I have to look at my life here. I have to look at where I am in relation to God here. I have to put my spiritual life under a microscope. I don't like that. I'm incredible at ignoring such honesty. Then I come here and God shoves me back on the ground. Back to square one. Back to humility, brokenness, and fear. Why'd I sign up for this again?
I fear how this summer will work out. I worry about working with Eric - I want him to have an amazing God filled summer and I don't want to be the cause of anything otherwise. I worry about working with Ann- will she see me for who I am trying to be or will she see through the strength I push forward so I can protect myself? I'm so good at protecting myself from other people. I'm the one who's put together - I'm the strong one. What happens when God calls me to put all of that out the window for the sake of glory? I'm terrified of what this summer will do to my soul when I'm the one who has to be in charge and in control.
However, the night has brought such a wonderful renewal. Camp friends from the past came to visit. I remember how much I love them and have missed them. They're people I've given myself to, through nights of pain and tears, through moments of sheer grace. It's those relationships that can only be formed by living together for an entire summer - twenty four hours a day, six and a half days a week. When I'm with them, some of the happiest moments of my life flash back and I remember why I'm terrified about this summer. When you have those types of experiences, you realize you can't escape without being vulnerable and you can't live without the ones who were with you through it all.
God's gone and shaken my snowglobe again. Just when I had everything settled.
I pray that my life can become one big "Thy Will Be Done." But until then, I'm going to try and recollect my snowflakes for the sake of the staff.
- Carley
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Love you and praying for you... You will do great! Remember that Fear is not always bad.
ReplyDeleteIt´s ok to be scared shitless. Look at all of us. The important thing is that we do not allow that fear to keep us from doing what God has called us to do. Even if that means taking cold showers and eating tamales for breakfast and living with a cat that you´re allergic. Oh wait, i mean working at camp :)
ReplyDeleteI miss you and love you!!!