I am coming to the end of my first week with campers. Half of me is on auto-pilot: I'm doing things here I haven't done in years but they feel so natural. I can place counselors with different camps, arrange room requests and set up meal numbers without even thinking. I am quicker at doing these things now too. All of my "big" stuff was done on Tuesday. I can run my job with my eyes closed.
There is another part of me that struggles. This is the part that has to hold the deep God conversations while balancing a homesick camper on one knee. This is the person who ached as she watched a camper beat her dad away from her in tears. This is the part of me who feels so alive and so dead at the same time.
There's so much pain here. Too much pain. Every counselor here has a story about their broken past. Most of them are still aching in some way. These counselors are asked to then counsel children who are enduring similar (or even bigger) pains that are ripping away at their soul. Why did we abandon God so early on in humanity? It's caused so much tragedy.
I keep praying that these kids lives will be changed... that they will rely on God. I plan on speaking on our need for God - and that there's nothing we can fix on our own - but how will they be able to think past themselves when they're drowning in their own mess? They're just thinking about how to stay afloat... I hope they see God's hands in the waters.
It's too late now for me to attempt to make sense. God's been good to me these past three weeks. I think I'm starting to feel like I'm supposed to be here. I still don't know why but I have more peace about it all. I feel like I can see the person I was shining through again. The one who knew how to pray and believed in its power. That girl isn't gone for good... I feel like I'm becoming a better person here and I'm so grateful for the people who won't let me accept good enough as sufficient.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Orientation
Tonight is the second night of orientation. So far things have gone well. The staff is amazing- I really feel like we're going to mesh. There is a little separation between the younger and older counselors, but I think that the staff we've selected all fit the Mt. Shepherd personality. I don't know how to describe it, but it's there... like the right kind of energy.
I prayed last night that I wouldn't be distracted from them and my job as their chaplain and director. I hope it stays that way. So far I've led a talk on being a living sacrifice and incarnational ministry as well as to be thankful in community. I really hope that this summer is God's way of breaking through to them. God's broken through to me here. God gets my attention here. I can't hide here.
I hope they find the same bold God breaking through everything that takes away from their personal relationship. I think one of my messages next week will be on breaking through distractions because camp is good at providing a place to do so.
Eric and I get to meet with all the staff tomorrow night as their chaplains. We will ask them about their life, their struggles, and who God is to them. We will pray with them and for them. We may not have anything to offer accept an ear... but I know that is something we can offer.
"Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God's love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him." ...
"He who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either."
Bonhoeffer's Life Together
I prayed last night that I wouldn't be distracted from them and my job as their chaplain and director. I hope it stays that way. So far I've led a talk on being a living sacrifice and incarnational ministry as well as to be thankful in community. I really hope that this summer is God's way of breaking through to them. God's broken through to me here. God gets my attention here. I can't hide here.
I hope they find the same bold God breaking through everything that takes away from their personal relationship. I think one of my messages next week will be on breaking through distractions because camp is good at providing a place to do so.
Eric and I get to meet with all the staff tomorrow night as their chaplains. We will ask them about their life, their struggles, and who God is to them. We will pray with them and for them. We may not have anything to offer accept an ear... but I know that is something we can offer.
"Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God's love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him." ...
"He who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either."
Bonhoeffer's Life Together
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Walking into Spiderwebs
This week is shaping up to be better than I thought.
Kent, Eric, Ann and I met this morning to discuss the schedule and brainstorm the theme. I'm really excited about it. We're calling it Reflections - it's going to be centered around how we are created in the image of God.
Our verse is 2 Corinthians 3:17- 18.
" Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
I love this idea. Under this theme we're going to break the devotionals down into how our service, sacrifice, suffering, community, and worship reflect God. I'm really excited to talk about the things we've mentioned... there might even be mention of "sex" (why'd I put that in quotations?) in a way that acknowledges how real of a temptation it is to the kids we're working with this summer. I hope God can really work through this theme to reach out to every one who is hurting and lost.
Other enjoyable moments of the day:
Eric, Ann and I are eating our meals together. At breakfast, we eat in silence- not on purpose, but coincidentally and comfortably silent. By dinner, we're laughing and asking random questions of each other. I've really come to value sharing a meal... I could turn this into some sort of Eucharist analogy, but I really just want to recognize how much I've learned about Eric, Ann and myself. I think we work well together, and we've grown closer over the past 3 days.
The three of us also finally walked the Mt. Shepherd Loop trail with Kent. It's one of the more fun things I've done since I've been here. The trail had some bad blazes so we spent a good portion of our time marking new trail... or finding a new route between blazes... We even got lost and after taking two and a half hours to hike three miles, we found our way back to camp. It was fun... and I think we're going to make the counselors find their way out too.
Now, if I could get rid of this cold, I think things will be okay- at least for the week. The counselors arrive on Sunday. I pray they're a great staff. I'm tired of bossing around chinchillas.
Kent, Eric, Ann and I met this morning to discuss the schedule and brainstorm the theme. I'm really excited about it. We're calling it Reflections - it's going to be centered around how we are created in the image of God.
Our verse is 2 Corinthians 3:17- 18.
" Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
I love this idea. Under this theme we're going to break the devotionals down into how our service, sacrifice, suffering, community, and worship reflect God. I'm really excited to talk about the things we've mentioned... there might even be mention of "sex" (why'd I put that in quotations?) in a way that acknowledges how real of a temptation it is to the kids we're working with this summer. I hope God can really work through this theme to reach out to every one who is hurting and lost.
Other enjoyable moments of the day:
Eric, Ann and I are eating our meals together. At breakfast, we eat in silence- not on purpose, but coincidentally and comfortably silent. By dinner, we're laughing and asking random questions of each other. I've really come to value sharing a meal... I could turn this into some sort of Eucharist analogy, but I really just want to recognize how much I've learned about Eric, Ann and myself. I think we work well together, and we've grown closer over the past 3 days.
The three of us also finally walked the Mt. Shepherd Loop trail with Kent. It's one of the more fun things I've done since I've been here. The trail had some bad blazes so we spent a good portion of our time marking new trail... or finding a new route between blazes... We even got lost and after taking two and a half hours to hike three miles, we found our way back to camp. It was fun... and I think we're going to make the counselors find their way out too.
Now, if I could get rid of this cold, I think things will be okay- at least for the week. The counselors arrive on Sunday. I pray they're a great staff. I'm tired of bossing around chinchillas.
Monday, June 1, 2009
My first day here
After being at camp an entire 8 hours, I realized that I need to find an outlet for my fears and frustrations for the summer. I'm so scared things are going to go sour. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my comfortable life.
Camp has taken me like a child with a snowglobe. Everything I had settled into is back up in the air. When I'm here, I have to think about things I could ignore at school. I have to look at my life here. I have to look at where I am in relation to God here. I have to put my spiritual life under a microscope. I don't like that. I'm incredible at ignoring such honesty. Then I come here and God shoves me back on the ground. Back to square one. Back to humility, brokenness, and fear. Why'd I sign up for this again?
I fear how this summer will work out. I worry about working with Eric - I want him to have an amazing God filled summer and I don't want to be the cause of anything otherwise. I worry about working with Ann- will she see me for who I am trying to be or will she see through the strength I push forward so I can protect myself? I'm so good at protecting myself from other people. I'm the one who's put together - I'm the strong one. What happens when God calls me to put all of that out the window for the sake of glory? I'm terrified of what this summer will do to my soul when I'm the one who has to be in charge and in control.
However, the night has brought such a wonderful renewal. Camp friends from the past came to visit. I remember how much I love them and have missed them. They're people I've given myself to, through nights of pain and tears, through moments of sheer grace. It's those relationships that can only be formed by living together for an entire summer - twenty four hours a day, six and a half days a week. When I'm with them, some of the happiest moments of my life flash back and I remember why I'm terrified about this summer. When you have those types of experiences, you realize you can't escape without being vulnerable and you can't live without the ones who were with you through it all.
God's gone and shaken my snowglobe again. Just when I had everything settled.
I pray that my life can become one big "Thy Will Be Done." But until then, I'm going to try and recollect my snowflakes for the sake of the staff.
- Carley
Camp has taken me like a child with a snowglobe. Everything I had settled into is back up in the air. When I'm here, I have to think about things I could ignore at school. I have to look at my life here. I have to look at where I am in relation to God here. I have to put my spiritual life under a microscope. I don't like that. I'm incredible at ignoring such honesty. Then I come here and God shoves me back on the ground. Back to square one. Back to humility, brokenness, and fear. Why'd I sign up for this again?
I fear how this summer will work out. I worry about working with Eric - I want him to have an amazing God filled summer and I don't want to be the cause of anything otherwise. I worry about working with Ann- will she see me for who I am trying to be or will she see through the strength I push forward so I can protect myself? I'm so good at protecting myself from other people. I'm the one who's put together - I'm the strong one. What happens when God calls me to put all of that out the window for the sake of glory? I'm terrified of what this summer will do to my soul when I'm the one who has to be in charge and in control.
However, the night has brought such a wonderful renewal. Camp friends from the past came to visit. I remember how much I love them and have missed them. They're people I've given myself to, through nights of pain and tears, through moments of sheer grace. It's those relationships that can only be formed by living together for an entire summer - twenty four hours a day, six and a half days a week. When I'm with them, some of the happiest moments of my life flash back and I remember why I'm terrified about this summer. When you have those types of experiences, you realize you can't escape without being vulnerable and you can't live without the ones who were with you through it all.
God's gone and shaken my snowglobe again. Just when I had everything settled.
I pray that my life can become one big "Thy Will Be Done." But until then, I'm going to try and recollect my snowflakes for the sake of the staff.
- Carley
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